Seperation

One of my roommates told me that she was pregnant several days ago. Due to this condition, we won’t rent a department again. The other roommate also planned to buy a house in shanghai. Their family offered a huge amount of money to help their purchase of a house. I have to rent another apartment since my family is too poor to support me. Reversely, I need to give enough money to them as in China you should support your parents when they are old. Even thought I earned much more money than my roommates, I cannot afford to buy a house in Shanghai. I feel a little frustrated at this moment. It is your parents who actually decided your future.

It is just because I was born in a very very poor family I have to work hard to change my poverty. My family have no competence to help me since I left my hometown for my university. The torture caused by the poverty of my family made me suffered a lot when I was a student in Harbin. During that period, I had to do many part-time jobs to earn adequent money to pay for my expenses, such as the food and clothes. It seems much better when I came to Shanghai while I have more opportunities to earn more money. I did not ask my parent for any money as a postgraduate student in Shanghai. More importantly, I sent my financial aids to my parent to let them pay for the previous debts. When I became a full time employee, I still gave them enough money to make them happy. It is a little annoyed that my mom often told me she was poor that I was forced to give her money. My poor family is still there and they have no chance or capability to Chang their status. However, I have and work on it. At least, I can promote my life as well as theirs to my best. Sadly, they cannot help me at all. That is one reason for that I become so unbelievably independent now. I would like to rely on someone. But the fact is that I cannot find anyone to help me.

Therefore, I need to rent a house. Perhaps I need to live alone. That is so bad :(

4 months ago  /  0 notes

Moonlight shadow

It was rainy today in Shanghai. Every time when it was cold and rainy, I felt a little sad, especially in the sorrow of my grandmo. The anguish of the bereavement pushed me to recall someone. The one has not present in my surrounding since one and a half years ago when I got to know the engagement. The last talk between us ended with my calmness as well as the short sentence. “There will be no next time. “, I said. That is an official end in our relationship. I have never contacted the person since our last converstaion via phone.

It seems a little absurd that I am thinking about our past over the past days. The memory hidden at the bottom of my heart has occasionaly disturbed me when I felt frustrated. I don’t know whether F has been hurt by my indifference or cruelty. F should be much happier than me since F should have a pleasant family and live a comfortable life. I was just too young to treat F friendly. I has been tortured until now since it has become very difficult for me to like or love someone. That does not matter, it seems. I do not care about it. I think it should do good for F only I disappear in F’s life. No fight or torture from me any more.

The only thing I looked forward to was getting close to F without any reasons in the past. I followed my heart to go to see F as possible as I could. I did not expect F’s loving me back at all. I kept walking outside of F’s campus during the rainy day for a long time with the hesitation whether I should go to see F. I called F time and time again during the line was busy. I caught the bus hurrily every weekend in order to see F as early as possible. When I was at my early 20th, I was crazy for F and almost did everything crazy. How can I forget all of them even though I deleted all the e-mails and destroyed all the letters? F is like a shadow in my life. I just cannot let the shadow go easily. Furthermore, I am not sure whether I want to let it go. If the shadow lives in my life, I can accept it. The only thing I can try to do is not to disturb F any longer.

Sadly, I am a person who is destined not to turn away from the relationship very shortly. I am waiting for the longer period to purge my sins :(

4 months ago  /  12 notes

To my grandmother - obituary

I cried for a while and felt very sad when I got to know my grandmother passed away several minutes ago. That is soooooooooo bad for me.

My grandmother suddenly left ourselves. She was nice to all of us when we were young. I still remember my sisters and brothers played at her home and were blamed by her due to our naughty. This seems the first time that my family member left us. Yeah, she was too old to live longer. But I am always looking forward to her longevity in spite of the burdens which my mother need to hold. Even at this moment I cannot imagine she really left us! I cannot see her any more since the last time.

My uncles and other relatives are in her home to look after the followed procedures. It is said I will be forbidden to appear in her funeral according to Chinese traditional customs. I am thinking whether I should go home next month or at some better time. When we are growing up, our parent are getting old. Some grand parents will pass away. It is obvious that human being is destined to die someday. However, I cannot help to feel sad when they really leave us. I should spend more time to be with my parents and work hard to improve their quality life.

Dear grandmo, please forgive me not to go back to see you off. You will live in my memory forever. I don’t know how to deal with this. But I think I need take some measures.

4 months ago  /  0 notes

2012 Spring Festival in Shanghai

When my roommate arrived at our shared house last night, I was a little surprised at their earlier arrival. Since I thought they would come at the end of this holiday. It seems this holiday has passed so quickly while I almost spent most ot the time staying at home to do housework. My room looks very clean and tidy after my nearly one day’s effor to improve the quality of my living space :)

During the past days, I mainly went online to watch movies and American shows. I love movies, especially whose topic is about the history, as well as classic music. I am fond of the staff which come in the quite appearance. That is my shortcoming as I have not spent a great amount of time on exercises or outdoor activities. But I indeed like to walk around or travel in different places. The movies and music can make me happy or refreshed if tired or frustrated. That habit works very well for me to get energy and encourage before the setbacks. Sometimes, I chose to stay alone to think nothing at all. That really helps me to relax. Perhaps it is another way to escape the pressure or chanlleges.

The lifestyle in my recent years is what I longer for about five years ago. I should live better in the coming years according to my current plans. Even if I am not able to meet the right person, I should live my life as planned as my schedulel. I will go abroad to experience the different culture and deepen my mind. I will have the opportunity to do what I really want. Undoubtedly, I will have the adequate finance foundation. In short, I should enter into the middle class :)

Shanghai is a beautiful and suitable place for me. However, I would rather to live in a foreign country for the rest of my life. Why? The reason is just simple. When I was a junior students, I read lots of foreign masterpieces, particularly the famous novels all over the world. I did not realize these literatures would influence my mind at my youngth. Until now, it has suddenly come to my mind that these novels have formulated my desier. My ambition has actually come from my knowledge of the novels. And my recent living in Shanghai has helped all of these imagination to come true. I can say that coming to Shanghai is one of my best choices. To buy Ipad and come to the pharma are the folloing good decisions. The three decisions have really changed my world. I will follow my tuition to achieve my goals. I will be more patient to make them happen.

After all, it is only me to understand what should be best for myself. No one can replace you when you need to make a decision.

By the way, it is sunny and a little warm today in Shanghai. Spring comes and everything should revive. I won’t keep as lazy as in the cold winter. I will go for what I really want to do. Xintiandi is a wonderful place to kill time. This Jazz bar is suitable for my blog.

4 months ago  /  114 notes

Back to Reality

It seems that I have chosen a much better international pharmaceutical company compared with my last one that is expanding very fast in Shanghai. I gave up the position at the end of last June and left the small CRO and became one of the associates of the current company. I feel like the relaxation and new fresh air in this totally different company. More importantly, I can utilize some working time to improve my English and spend some energy and efforts to think about my own plans. The previous company has squeezed me so much that I almost had no time and health to execute my arrangements. By contrast, the working style in this pharma is not as tight as the small one which allows me to keep heathy and ambitious. Meanwhile, the culture in this pharma has refreshed me and opened my narrow mind. I have met a great number of talents and gotten to learn pretty good soft skills.

I am not a greedy person since I merely plan to achieve my own goals. I seek for my own happiness without no damages to other’s benefits. Ensure to earn the necessary amount of money and promote my English competence, I would rather to change a company. I am not smart or flexible like someone. One of my most proud strengths Is that i am very persistent in what I want and pursuing until the goal is achieved.

I am not as young as several years ago. Therefore, I need focus on the reality rather than my imagination. I am single and have no expensive properties. I admit I am fussy when considering the one who is supposed to accompany me in my life. All or nothing. That’s it. I would rather to live alone than stay with a person to satisfy my family. To find the right person is my philosophy in love.

This afternoon, I paid the TOEFL fees for the third time. I spent tens of thousands of Yuan In the exams. I cancelled my exam results of the last two exams since the scores would be very ugly with no propriate preparation. When I became a employee, it appears the preparation for the exams is getting difficult as I must to make the best use of the hours after daily work. But studying and living abroad in USA is what I am longing for. This goal is worth my efforts and diligence.

I am also independent to afford the prices of the exams with holding the job. As an employee, ip think I am ok to go along with this path in hope of changing my quality of life. I am deserious of the change of my life, in both respectives tha material and the spirit.

By the way, I plan to have a trip in Hongkong and Macu in 2012. To travel at least once each year is my schedule. Hongkong looks very fascinating from the social media. That city should be an interesting place to go although I am supposed to spend a great deal of money. But I will limit the expenses in this budget. That is little exciting news in my 2012.

4 months ago  /  12 notes

Travel stuff

I have spent almost the whole night to search the online information of traveling abroad. Due to the constraints of my Hongkong pass, I was not buy the flight ticket via Internet, I have to wait for the pass to come to me. There are various beautiful countries and cities I am interested in and plan to go in the future, such as Greece and Egypt, the two ancient worlds full of mysteries. I will travel in these places where you can find the origin og the human history. Undoubtedly, I need to save adequent money to travel there.

There is a secondary reason for my decision to study abroad that is I would like to travel abroad during my PhD. Perhaps I am not rich enough to travel all over the world. But I plan to go to my favorite counties as possible as I can. That goal means a lot to me. I am single so I have the time to make this happen.

I need to go sleep at once since I have to get up early to work tomorrow. I don’t hate my work. But the current job simply offers me the basic needs rather than the platform to develop my intelligence. I will have a better position and more decent job after my further education in America. I suppose I will become an expert in my favorite area rather than just as living for bread. Therefore, I have to work harder and harder even when I feel very lonely and frustrated.

Ok, sleep now…

4 months ago  /  2 notes

2012 plan

It is already December of 2011, with less than a month to come into 2012. To summarize my 2011, I need to think it over and post the conclusion on the last day of this year. More importantly, I should create a practical and achievable plan of 2012.

I am starting to write some pieces of thoughts at this moment and will elaborate later.
1. TOEFL and GRE. I felt a little frustrated due to my previous scores. However, I am going to make much more progress in the outcomes of the exams. Without the real and enough efforts, it is obvious that I cannot get a better result. This goal ranks first.

2. Become more soft. To be a person who has the right to think what I want and persistent what I want matters much in my life. But I am trying to make this persistence look softer. There is no need for me to speak it out, especially before the others. I will get to be considerate when others need my help or perhaps I should offer my help without their requirement. My mind can be independent, but my behavior should follow the mess’ style. That should decrease the unnecessary troubles in my life.

3. Save money. Actually, I have already to frozen my salary in the bank during the past months. I should continue to do this. a great amount of money facilitates my quality of life and my freedom of choice.

The three plans are so clear and I think the most challenging is the exams. It is time to wake up and concentrate on what I really want. To achieve the first goals, I must male good use of the time after my daily work. I must use this time to learn English instead of reading the sentimental online fictions. The only thing I need to do is to manage my time and learn english as a crazy one :)，

By the way, I almost close my blogs to protect my privacy, I am considering to shut down my weibo. Privacy becomes so precious nowadays. I need speak my internal thoughts in a different place where no one knows you :)

6 months ago  /  0 notes